When fixing the other fails

When “Fixing” Each Other Fails: A New Approach to Couples Therapy

Relationships often face challenges when one partner has a condition like ADHD, alcoholism, or another mental health concern. It’s natural for the other partner to feel frustrated or even powerless, leading them to focus on trying to "fix" their partner’s behavior. But here’s the hard truth: focusing solely on changing someone else rarely works and often leads to resentment.

In couples therapy, we explore a different, more effective path: focusing on self-awareness and self-accountability. Instead of trying to control or reshape your partner’s behavior, we work on understanding how their condition impacts the relationship and, more importantly, how each partner can adjust their own behaviors and expectations to create a healthier dynamic.

Shift the Focus Inward

When we stop placing all the attention on our partner’s perceived deficits, we open the door to self-growth. This involves:

• Recognizing how your reactions to your partner’s behavior might contribute to conflict.

• Exploring your own happiness and how to foster it independently of your partner.

• Setting realistic expectations based on acceptance rather than control.

Why This Works

Behavioral changes in relationships happen most effectively when rooted in mutual understanding and empathy. Instead of seeing ADHD or alcoholism as something to “fix,” couples can reframe the issue as a shared challenge. This creates space for compassion, partnership, and solutions that work for both individuals.

Key Takeaways

• Stop focusing on changing your partner; focus on how you can adapt and thrive.

• Set goals for improving your communication and emotional resilience.

• Learn to support your partner in a way that respects their journey without losing sight of your own.

Couples therapy is not about creating perfection; it’s about nurturing connection, even in the face of imperfection. When both partners are willing to work on themselves, relationships can grow in ways that are fulfilling and lasting.