Self Love Sunday | Dating, Desires and Intimacy

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Dating, Desires and Intimacy
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I wish I could tell you it could be easier. Some Coaches do. They offer a formula for better relationships, how to capture or magically attract the object of your desire, and 101 dating tips sure to work. But, as most of you have experienced, once you get into a dancing dynamic of desire with someone, feelings happen.

Don’t blame yourselves for not knowing how to navigate the field of love or how to avoid heartache. In fact, I would tell you to do the opposite… get lost in the field of love and move towards heartache. Feelings need to happen.
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I posted on the Page the other day an interview with Brene Brown and Oprah Winfrey.  In this discovery of “scarcity culture” they come to the conclusion that people are afraid, feel terror, most of the time. Due to this fear based belief system, most people are walking around with “protective gear” and are losing their ability to be vulnerable. The final conclusion is “be open enough to fail.

When you attempt dating, desires or intimacy you often recognize the same protective gear. No one is willing to be vulnerable, you perceive. This causes an inability to move past casual sex and deeper intimacy as many silently refuse to appear or feel weak, a failure. Ironically, you will get the same men or women coming back months later, years later, wanting something. But, it is like they cannot even mutter the real words, I want… or, I need…
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[Women]… “If you give men what they want, they don’t realize they need you.”
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“It’s pretending you don’t care so that you ward off the risk of getting hurt. Show me someone who’s too busy to be loved, and I’ll show you someone who’s afraid of not being lovable.”
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“When we ask someone to share what they want and need from us, we’re asking them to get naked emotionally.”
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The leading love psychologists, dating experts and intimacy instructors will arrive at the same solution for those who cannot “close the deal” of love. It is simply that you have turned yourself off from it. This appears in a number of forms; communication stops, sex and intimacy lessen, there’s no time being spent on fun and silliness or making memories, arguments occur over needs being unmet, and the partner may even perhaps start looking elsewhere for what they need.

When you believe and behave in a scarcity mentality, it becomes difficult for dating, desire and intimacy to flow. It’s an Energy thing. As a Reiki Master and Empath, I passionately teach clients and readers to be aware of desires and how to obtain them. Desires are an energy flow. As Krishnamurti notes, “Desire is energy, and it has to be understood.”

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Love is a renewable resource – Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D.

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Dating and Desire do not always lead to love, and intimacy and desire do not always lead to dating. Remember that in the dating process you give the other person time and space to become intimate with you. When you push too hard, too deep, for dating and desire (usually women) or desire and sex/intimacy (usually men), the relationship doesn’t have a balance of energy and appears to never go further than a few dates. The desire is not understood.

The same is true for sexual intimacy. When sexual intimacy happens too soon, it is loses its intimate feeling and feels more like desire vs. dating for some. This is seen when women complain he just wants sex, and then internalize shame if they acted on their own desire. Yet, he always desires sex and she can too. But, like John Gray says above, if you give in to a man’s [lower chakra/purely physical] desires, these men will not learn to see that they perhaps want to begin dating as a way to become more deeply intimate and also find love. Most men absolutely want love and need to be understood.

There is no judgement if you like sex and want to have a casual sex partner. But, if you find yourself complaining about the lack of intimacy in your relationships, then you need to examine your ability and willingness to navigate the energy flow and understand desires on both sides of the dating dance.

Being vulnerable in dating is asking for what you want and need and realizing the desire may float around untouched, like a fragile bubble flowing in the wind… hoping it will be seen or touched with friendly, gentle hands and having those hands willing to playfully shape, expand and release.

Do you have a desire bubble waiting to be released? Self love says release it. Only the wind knows for sure where it will land. Be vulnerable, get lost in the field of love and move towards heartache. Feelings will happen.
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5 Replies to “Self Love Sunday | Dating, Desires and Intimacy”

  1. I agree- vulnerability and honest are super important in the dating world. I have learned that I cannot expect what I havnt been clear I want and need- first with myself- then with others 🙂
    great post!

  2. It has been a while since I dated, but I completely agree that vulnerability is a must. If we walk through life in fear that we may get hurt, a relationship may fail, or we may not get what we want, it results in self-sabotage and holds us back from the things that we do truly desire. Being vulnerable can lead to being hurt or not working out, but it also opens the door for so many fantastic things that area otherwise lost, even if it is just the experience during the process and lessons learned. Thank you for sharing!

  3. I completely agree. When I think about my past, where I desired and desperately wanted never worked out. Where I let go and gave permission to become friends first, has worked for me. 🙂

  4. I’m in the dating game and vulnerability is definitely a struggle. I use to give to much and gave very little boundaries. Now I’ve gone the other direction. Finding balance, being willing to trust, and be vulnerable is something I’m working on.

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